


It was a dark and stormy night...

by draca (wyvernwolf)



Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-11
Updated: 2010-01-11
Packaged: 2017-10-06 04:39:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyvernwolf/pseuds/draca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Gene are investigating a disturbance in a graveyard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It was a dark and stormy night...

**Author's Note:**

> Very slight crossover with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

"Tell me again what we're doing here Gladys? It's late and it's bloody cold. Most sane people would be in the pub. Hang about, you're not sane so that explains what you're doing here. But I am. Sane that is. So again, what the bloody hell are we doing wandering around a graveyard in the middle of the bleeding night?"

"Like I've told you a thousand times before Guv, someone reported a disturbance. And it's not the middle of the night. It's only just past 10."

"Only just past 10! _Only_ just past 10! You really are crazy aren't you. We should be at the pub. Drinking, playing darts. Like normal people. If some idiots want to wander around a graveyard in the cold and dark, bloody let them. What's it to do with us?"

"In case you've forgotten, Gene, we happen to be the police. We investigate things like this. People wandering around in a graveyard at night isn't normal. They could be committing illegal activities, like criminal damage."

"To what? The gravestones?"

"Well, yes."

"And what, you think the dead bloke's are gonna ring us up and make a complaint do you? _Officer, someone's been pissin' on my grave._ I don't bloody believe this. Is that why I'm out here in the bleeding cold instead of warm and comfy in The Arms with a glass of scotch in my hands? Because some tossers are being divs. You're a damned pain in my arse, Tyler. You know that don't you? Bloody poofter."

"Gene, defacing or damaging gravestones is a serious crime. The deceased persons deserve some respect and their families will be distraught should they visit their loved one's final resting place and find it disturbed."

"_Deceased persons_? _Loved one's final resting place_?? What the hell are you on about you twit?? It's a grave. There are stiffs in it. Final resting place. Git."

_sigh_ "Gene, you know you really should-. Wait. What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That! You know, if you'd stop crashing around like an elephant, you might be able to hear it."

"I do not crash around like an elephant. I'm light on my feet I am."

"Sshh."

"Don't you shush me you little-"

"Gene! For once in your lifetime, sshh!"

...

"It's a girl. What's she doing here?"

"Is she pretty?"

"Gene! Please. For once, focus on the fact that you're a police officer. Anyway, she's young enough to be your daughter. And she shouldn't be out here alone. I'll just go and-"

"Christ on a bloody bike! Wha- What the _hell_ is going on? I swear Sammy, I only had one glass before we got here! What _are_ those things? What's wrong with their faces? And their teeth??"

**sounds of a muffled scuffle then silence**

"Tyler. Sam. Tell me you saw that."

"Yeah Gene. I did."

"The little blonde bird stuck a piece of wood into one of them things with the pointy teeth and funny faces and they went poof. You saw that right?"

"Yeah Gene. I did."

"Right."

"Right."

...

"Gene?"

"Yes Sam?"

"Pub?"

"Best bloody idea you've had all week, boy. And Tyler, breath a word of this to anyone and I'll knock you out, tie you up and leave you naked in Litton's office with a sign telling him you want to be his rentboy."

"That's right charming that is. And I'm not stupid Gene. Everyone already thinks I'm crazy. If I tell them we saw vampires, they'd stick us both in the asylum and throw away the key."

"Oi! Watch it. The only one they'd chuck in the loony bin is YOU! _You_ saw those whatever it is they were. I saw nowt. I was just here to keep an eye on you. You remember that or it'll be my loafers up your backside."

"Right. Sure Gene." sigh

"She was pretty though wasn't she? Nice hair, nice legs, very bendy. A bit small in the boo-"

"Gene! Please! Just- just let's go to the pub alright? I need a drink. And forget tonight ever happened. Maya always complained I watched too much Buffy...I think she was right..."

-Fin-


End file.
